Oh yeah, it's a cult alright

harsh, but mostly accurate these days

Joe, you've probably seen this recently but I stumbled across it today, and it's pretty funny....

"Look Lois, the two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a big fat white guy who is threatened by change." Peter Griffin

Hilarious

More German-College Football stuff

From one of Joe's favorite movies

These guys are great, even for Gator fans

Every Bowl in 10 words.

This link is fixed now

And yet another shot at the BCS

Damn Germans

BCS mess

Scenario for consideration: Oklahoma edges out Florida in a close game... Texas manhandles Ohio State (a common theme in BCS matchups as of late, and it may make the voters take Texas for a champion because they are so used to the mauler of OSU being crowned)... Two one-loss teams split a title (BCS vs. AP) except one has BEATEN THE OTHER ON THE FIELD... ON A NEUTRAL SITE!!!

The question: Why don't we have a playoff, again?

Little T learns to do comedy

Terrell Owens is da man

Letterman's Top 10

Funny

http://www.funnyordie.com/jokes/0e076853a5

Darth Vader Toaster

This is fantastic

Tom, when are you going to get one?


and this is a great thing too

Hits close to home, but funny anyway.

Reasons the Redskins are on the right track

#1 Jim Zorn knows how to skin a Coyote

Washington Post - How Jim Zorn learned to skin a coyote

let's see shannahan do that!

Chris' Wedding

So

I figure it's fitting on his Birthday(happy birthday putz) to see if any of you have thought about what to do to get to the Putz's wedding. 

thoughts?

In Fairness

this is both funny and a little irritating..

Mocking the Cubs - Daily Show

oh for fuck's sake

damn it!

1980s Redskins tribute just for James

Will you never learn?

http://homerderby.com/archives/2483

The Cubs are printing WS tickets. You people are like Lemmings. Why do you ignore the signs that the road you travel will lead to a cliff? And, should the CUBS really be tempting fate like this? Of all teams, the CUBS are printing tickets before the playoffs? Really?

Hail to the Victors!

Joe. Beware

holy all star game batman

ok. so here's what we know thru 14 innings

i'm not sure the deal between Z and Manny, but that pitch cracked me up baby.

holiday looks comfortable playing in pinstripes in new york.

aaron cook apparently is one lucky son of a bitch. (and dan uggla gets the yips... 3 errors after the 8th)

4 out of 6 outs made at the plate, and another one in the next inning would have been too if it hadn't been foul... wow

Bud Selig may be forced into another milwakee situation.

how long are they willing to let this go?

ha ha ha

Hey Putz, Just remember

Hope you're staying dry.

Viral!

"Don't we need him for the press tour?"
"We don't need his nuts for the press tour"

Spelling Bee

DAMN! (links)

Now This is some scary shit

probably not the safest for work. but it'll make you snicker...

Other funny stuff
The Hawk says...

Joe

found this today.

Ben Franklin

thought you'd like it

Shyster Saturday Nite

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"

These are freakin sweet.

ha ha ha

Erin Andrews Loves the Hardwood!

saw this. damn funny.

Arizona Trip

Arizona Trip 2008 (Days 1-6)

Day 1: March 13, 2008
Flight was delayed 30 minutes due to missing paperwork? Probably the passenger manifest. I arrived in Phoenix late and hang around with pops while he checked in on five of his liquor accounts. Salesman tour of Phoenix from Sun City to Scottsdale. Four out of the five stops were Walgreens. Bringin' back the memories. We stopped for lunch at a Polish café, named EuroDeli for sandwiches. After finishing up, we headed back to parents home on other side of valley. I started to get hot...mostly because I’m still wearing a long sleeve shirt and jeans I left 30 degree Denver in. The temperatures in Phoenix was starting to hit 80’s. As we approach home, we get detoured to see stepmother having lunch with coworker. The same coworker who I’m later to hang out with on Friday. So we hang out there for another twenty minutes as I'm fading fast. I'm now approaching the 25 straight hours of being awake barrier. Throw in the unusual brightness of the sun and long day on top of it, and I’m in bad shape. I reach parents house and take a four hour nap to recover. I slowly come to life again as we sit down for dinner. Parents have made a crock pot roast for dinner. We take a 2 plus mile walk and return home around 9:15 p.m. to see the second half of the Phoenix vs. Golden State game on TNT (Phoenix win) and I crashed around 11:45 p.m.

Day 2: March 14, 2008

Click Here for
Rockies vs. Mariners Game

Day 3: March 15, 2008

Had lunch at the Native New Yorker restrauant in Goodyear. It was a local sports bar that specialized in chicken wings. Watched the second half of North Carolina/Virginia Tech basketball game. UNC pulled it out at the end. Tyler Hansborough hit the game winning shot with .7 to go. After lunch we went grocery shopping in town. That night Mary, dad and I went to the Coyotes vs. Oilers game at Jobing.com stadium.

Click Here for
Coyotes vs. Oilers Game

Day 4: March 16, 2008

Had a barbecue at my parent’s house. A few of my dad’s cousins/second cousins came over. I think it was the first time I met any of them before. They all seemed pretty cool. One of them was from Detroit and was a Dead wings fan. I gave him the "royal" treatment. He showed up wearing a blue Lions hoodie. That was his first mistake. I made comments to make him cringe like:
"So which broken WR are the Lions gonna draft this year. It will make 4 in what 6 drafts?"
"I see that Kevin Jones is gonna carry the work load this year...oh wait...they just cut him."
"They should sign a QB. I hear Joey Harrington just got cut in Atlanta. Oh wait, you drafted him #1 five years ago."

So he was a big fan of me. We ate burgers and such. My dad hates Bo. Can't you tell? It was a little cooler today, around 59 degrees, sunny but windy. After they all left I spent time scanning old photos from Super Bowls and All Star game onto the computer and ended the night watching National Treasure.

Day 5: March 17, 2008

St. Patty’s Day! The original plan was to go up to see the Grand Canyon. But the cold front that moved in yesterday afternoon put a co bash on that. The snow up there caused some major accidents (Zona people don’t know how to drive in bad weather) and there is also some major road construction on the highway to get there. It’s already quite a drive from my parents house (5-6 hours) and with the other factors we decided against it. I’m sure I’ll see it at some point. It’s not going any where. Instead we thought about going down to Tucson to see some new caverns that were discovered recently, but we found out that there is a good two to three week waiting list to get in. You need reservations to get in a state park…go figure. 0-2. Next my parents wanted to hit a new casino down there and see the Moody Blues in concert there. All sold out. Darn. Finally, we decided to catch a Rox-Giants game in Tucson.

Click Here for
Rockies vs. Giants Game

We followed game by going to the Dessert Diamond Casino (Not to mistaken with the Dustin Diamond Casino...just kidding it doesn't exist...or does it?) in south Tucson. My dad went up to the ticket counter for one last ditch effort to score some Moody Blues tickets. Still no Moody Blues. Darn! Instead we hung around the casino and played two cent slots. I feel old now. I put in $20 to start,and eventually got up to $83.48. My biggest pot was $24. Thought I hit it big, but then remembered, it’s just a 2 cent slot. It was enough to play for 2 hours. We ate at the casino's "all you can eat seafood buffet." It sounded like a good idea, and then after seeing my dad load up on two plates of crab legs reality set in. Oh god, I'm gonna be stuck in a car for 2 plus hours with my dad and his crab farts. Son of a B*tch! Afterwards we left for home. Got in around 10:45 p.m.

Day 6: March 18, 2008

Light day. The weather was scorching hot again. Temperature was in the 70-80's. We...correction...my dad and mom decided to go to the Arizona Botanical Gardens in Scottsdale. Translation: a walk in the desert to see different types of cactus es or cactui. What ever. I actually had a good time.............looking at all the hot chicks there! Man there were a lot. Oh and there was a cactus or two there also. Big Mother F*ckin' Cactus! Inside the park there was also a butterfly tent of many types of butterflies flying around. It was funny seeing a 6-7 yr old girl crying and throwing a fit when her parents were trying to pull her away from the butterfly tent. Jacob, I'll teach you this some day . We walked around for 2-3 hours in the sun and then headed back for home...during rush hour. We had to get from the far side of town to the other side. Whoopi! We ate dinner at some pizza place named Sabatinos. Pretty good pizza. And then got home around 8 p.m.
Och!

Shyster Sunday

A guy calls a law office and says: "I want to talk to my lawyer."

The receptionist replies, "I’m sorry, but he died last week."

The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."

The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."

'Zona Trip Day 2

Check out my Spring Training Rox game comments:


Click Here

Real Death Star

Yahoo had an article about a possible "real death star": http://news.yahoo.com/s/space/20080310/sc_space/realdeathstarcouldstrikeearth
Pretty wild how much stuff out there in our universe could destroy us in the blink of an eye (even if the impending star explosion would happen 100,000s of years from now). Also made me think of global warming while reading it. It mentioned that the gamma rays could produce an ozone depletion of up to 25% (CFCs only got us down to a 3-4% depletion). And also that there would be a bit of a smog effect because of the way it would react with the upper atmosphere. This would lead to some global cooling. And that's where I thought of global warming tie-ins; I wonder if our ozone hole was letting out greenhouse gasses. Maybe that is a short term solution to global warming? Anybody know more about the ozone layer and what it allows to pass in and out of the Earth's atmosphere? 'Cap.

so anyways

FYI. I'm a grad student now.

Zombie Attack Part 2

...Continued from part one...

Scenario #4: The person looks like Lyle Lovett. SHOOT THEM! I can't tell the difference, can you? It's better to be safe than sorry on this occasion.

Scenario #5: You see some dead person crawling out of the grave. DON’T waste time! They’re a ZOMBIE! Put them down!

Scenario #6: If the person looks like NBA star Sam Cassell...they're just an alien. Report them to the authorities anonymously otherwise, the feds will wipe your memory. The truth is out there.

Know the type of zombie you’re dealing with:

Is it a zombie or is it an old person? The initial glance may be tough to tell right off the bat. There are some characteristics that could help you decipher whether or not the person is a zombie or not.

1. Injuries. Obviously if there is a lot of visible bleeding and flesh removed from the body there is a great chance that the person is a zombie. If in doubt then run. The Good Samaritan law will cover your ass if you’re wrong. Also if they look like Lyle Lovett, then feel free to shoot them in the head!
   
2. Food. Human: it’s what’s for dinner. First question...do they want to eat you? Or better yet, are they eating some one else? If you answered “yes” to either of those questions, then the person is probably a zombie. The average citizen doesn’t crave your body flesh for their diet, unless that person is a cannibal. An average person loves muchin' down on a sweet juicy Wendy's Baconator. If you know someone who is a vegan or vegetarian, and they’re munching down on someone’s flesh, my betting instinct says that they are a zombie.
3. Loss of every day motor or reasoning skills. Unless they’re blonde, old, or riding the short bus to school, non-zombie people should be able to operate with a basic reasoning function. This means driving cars, properly opening doors, shooting guns, or knitting a sweater, non infected persons can do they things easily. Zombies cannot.

Seriously, he does look like an alien. This image also popped up on my search for Sam Cassell. Distant cousins perhaps?






4. Last known location. Location, location, location. Where did you last see this person? Was this person already deceased? Or were they in a situation that they weren’t going to survive? These are good clues of whether or not they might be walking the Earth unjustifiably. If they were already dead and you didn’t witness them crawling out of the grave, then it’s a safe bet that the person might be a zombie. If they were cornered by a bunch of zombies the last time you saw them alive, well I doubt they made it out alive. Go ahead and shoot them in the head.

5. Speech. This one’s a little fuzzy. There is evidence of speech skills amongst the dead. Rule of thumb: if someone’s constantly moaning for “brains”, feel free to chalk that one up in the “Zombie column”. Especially if the person looks like this.

6. Speed. Know the speed of the Zombie, fast or slow. If it’s a fast moving zombie, you don’t have much time to analyze the situation. The zombie will be on you like white on rice. Personally, I think they are the more scarier and dangerous of the two categories of zombies. They move fast, not good if you’re a slow person; and they kind of have an animal or predator instinct to them. Hopefully your survival instincts will kick in before they get to you. Be careful not to let them bite you, otherwise, you’re done. Slow moving zombies are easier to evade. Sure they maybe stealth in movement and sneak up on you, but you should be able to out-run, and out-think the slow moving zombie. Slow moving zombies would be more fun and easier to kill, as they are just slow moving targets to pick off.

7. Origin of infection. What caused them to become zombies? This can be important to understanding the zombie. You also may not know the answer, but that’s all right. Was it because of a government spilled toxic waste substance, a virus, or did they just simply come out of the ground because hell had no more room to fit the dead? Could there be a cure to the infestation? It probably doesn’t matter, because you are just a low life, every day person with no real connections to solving the problem. So just deal with it and survive.

Examples of Zombies:









Not Zombies:











Not Sure:

To Be Continued....

Stay tuned for more survival information in Part 3: Know How To Defend Yourself.

He's Back!

Right where he belongs. Even if he is washed up.

Chris! Where are you?!?! Your Hero's back!

The Hoff

In honor of the 2 hour car commercial last night,

Nuggets

So the NBA trade-deadline has come and gone. So what did my favorite teams do? They traded Von Wafer for Taurean Green. Who for who? Break it down: a $770K bench player that hasn't touched the court for a $375K bench player that won't touch the court.

Savings: $395 K & no real impact

Way to go Denver!

Don't get me wrong, considering what they have on their team and the possible "rumored" trades, I'm glad they didn't do anything. I was kind of disappointed that we didn't get the trade of:
Delonte West & Damien Wilkins for Eduardo Najera (we could use people that can shoot), but oh well, they're the Nuggets. I'm just happy and surprised that Linus Kleiza was the sticking point in trading for malcontent Ron Artest. The Nuggs refused to give up Linus. Refused. For Linus. Refused. Way to go! Stand your ground! And I'm thrilled that we didn't land deals for: Zach Randolph, or for Jayson "White Chocolate" Williams/Ricky Davis.

The NBA trading deadline, just like any other trading deadline forces teams to make deals just for the sake of making deals. Honestly, the Nuggets aren't going to play or win the NBA championship with the team they have now. Unless they pull something out of their asses like the Rockies did. There wasn't any "one" player on the trading wind mill that was gonna make a difference in the stretch run. The Nuggets are..."who we thought they were. And we let 'em off the hook! If you wanna crown them. Then crown them!"...sorry, somehow Denny Green popped in my head.

Anyways, they are a star powered talented team. Except for the parts don't fit. Coaching doesn't fit. Chemistry doesn't fit. They are no different from the New York Knicks with the exception of we don't completely suck, we actually win games. We both have high priced stars and salaries that populate our roster. Not to mention we lead the league in tattoos. That doesn't necessarily translate into dominance on the court. Let's look at our starting 5:

Allen Iverson - SG ($19 million)
We have a Hall of Fame shooting guard in Iverson that has always been the focal point of his team. All of his career he has poured his heart and soul playing on the court...during a real game...not practice. I've always applauded him for his dedication and hustle during the game. He has always been the go to guy over his career, and has never really been surrounded with talent. So it became "my way or no way" and has carried his teams on his back.

When he got traded to Denver, he didn't need to be that player (except for a 15 game stretch). He actually landed on a team that had talent. Instead of changing, AI does what he always has done...the Iverson way. He continues to run things his way, take ill advised shots and has not developed any chemistry with other players in the offense. We traded our "quarterback" of the offense in point guard Andre Miller and asked AI to be a shooting guard and point guard in one. Andre had great chemistry in feeding Melo and Camby for dunks down low. When we traded him, we lost that chemistry that AI has never developed. Oh yeah, he's old and making $19 plus million this year and another $21 plus million next.

Anthony "Willie" Carter - PG ($770 K)
A poor man's point guard. Because the Nuggs salary cap fucked, they need to find the cheapest piece of crap to run the offense. I'm sorry Willie, but you wouldn't be on any other NBA roster in the league. I can't even call you by your real name. I've resorted to "Willie" for some reason. Don't know why or how...but "Willie" it is.

Willie's like the guy trying to make the squad, but the coaches already know they're gonna cut him, but keep him on the roster to get through training camp so the "real" guy won't get hurt. They keep him around because he passes "nice" or hustles. So they cut everyone else who has a chance to play in the league...and then poof! The starter gets injured. The coaches call the cuts back, but then find out that they've moved on elsewhere, and then they see Willie on the bench. "I'll play coach!" Fuck. That's what Willie is. Fuck.

I know Willie's played way above and beyond that he's capable of...but come 'on! Any one who is the only point guard on the team can do that. No pressure. I'm gonna get my playing time no matter what. No looking over the shoulder. No promising rookie pressing you for playing time. All they ask for you to do is not get hurt and soak up minutes. And that's what Willie does best. Plus...he's older than Iverson!

Kenyon Martin - PF ($13.25 million)
On July 15, 2004, the worst thing in Nuggets history happened. They traded for K-Mart. From day one, I have been against the trade. K-Mart used to be an All-Star who average 16-17 points per game and grabbed down 8-9 rebounds. New Jersey pulled the covers over our eyes and duped us into this. Asking price: 3 1st round picks and a contract extension for him. The first round picks don't really bug me. They mean nothing in the NBA (at least from a Nuggets drafting stand point). The part that hurt the most was the contract extension. In order for the deal to go down, NJ was going to do a sign & trade, which means Jersey signs him and dumps him on us. It's like a teenage girl given her daddy's credit card to go shopping for a day, without any credit limit. I could see the Jersey exec.'s chuckling as they were signing the contract. Better them than us. I couldn't find the exact terms of the contract, but it's something like this: 7 yrs...$98-104 million. SEVEN YEARS! Yep. If you buy another shirt, you get a pink case for your cell phone. Here's the deal so far:

Current Investment:
(1st year) 2004-2005: $9.45 million - played 70 games, 15.5 ppg ave., 7.3 rpg ave.
(2nd year) 2005-2006: $10.64 million - 56 games, 12.9 ppg ave., 6.3 rpg ave.
(3rd year) 2006-2007: $12.07 million - 2 games 19 points, 20 rebounds

Remaining years on contract:
(4th year) 2007-2008: $13.25 million - current - 11.5 ppg, 6.4 rpg
(5th year) 2008-2009: $14.41 million
(6th year) 2009-2010: $15.78 million
(7th year) 2010-2011: $17.15 million

So just like wine, gets better with age...may be not. Production goes down as salary and age goes up. Thanks K-Mart! Not even gonna mention all the injuries, fights, suspensions and discontent he's brought.

Marcus Camby - C ($11.25 million)
Can I say anything negative about Marcus? He's been the heart and soul of the team for the past few years. Marcus was once a highly touted, number 1 pick prospect in the league. He battled numerous injuries and bounced team to team for the first six years of his career. Let's just say he never "panned out", and was a packaged as a "throw-in" salary match in a draft day trade. In his first year with the Nuggs, he spent all except the last 29 games of the season doing what he did best...being injured. Since then he has become a staple to this team. Marcus is a defensive presence who has lead the league in blocks for three years in a row and has been a top 2 or 3 rebounder and won Defensive Player of the Year last year, and should of the year before.

But Marcus isn't a young pup, and has battled through injuries over the past four seasons. He plays hard and falls hard. His body has gone down the "gravel road" of the roads of travel and I'm afraid one more serious injury will be the end of Marcus. As a center, he's never been a freak of nature like Yao, Shaq, or Dwight, but he's been serviceable over the course of his career. Marcus never was at the level where the offense "ran" through him, but has developed a nice shot over the years. But ever since Andre left, his offensive production has gone down. Marcus has settled down into a defensive player that has little to none offensive output.

Carmelo Anthony - SF ($13.04 million)
Carmelo, the man we were never supposed to get. If Detroit didn't drink the "European Player Kool-Aid" on that draft night, we might have been the home of Darko. But luckily for us, it didn't work out that way and Melo fell into our lap. LeBron and Melo were to be the next Johnson/Bird or Jordan/Bird or Jordan/Johnson or whatever the scenario. Those two were to be the poster children of the NBA for years to come. And one of them fell into our lap. What did we do right? Out of how many years we had a top ten pick (all did nothing) we finally found the "Golden Ticket". Melo was to Denver on the NBA map. Denver was a hot spot in the NBA. So what happened?

Well Melo has had his ups and downs in his short career. He's fallen from the ranks of his draft class as D-Wade has stolen the spotlight from him. Dwyane's gone on to win the title and LeBron has played for the title, while Melo...can't make it out of the first round. Did we get the one that "could have been"? Please don't say that. Sure Melo has not sparkled in the spotlight of the playoffs, but he necessarily hasn't "bombed" yet. How ironic is it that Kevin Garnett, notorious for not getting his team out of the first round of the playoffs, played the Nuggs in the playoffs during Melo's rookie year and Garnett moved on. Did Melo somehow inherit a curse from Garnett? I know it was his rookie year, and we don't expect rookies to lead their team to the big show, but is there a curse? It was Garnett's eighth year in the league to break the first round curse. This is Melo's fifth year. Will Eric Gordon stay a few more years at Indiana so he can enter the league and inherit this curse? That way, Melo and Nuggs can move on.

Sure the NBA's turned their heads away from Melo and Denver and found other young players on the rise, and he's not even the "man" on his own team now, but it doesn't mean that Melo is "done". He just might not be the next thing. Melo is a great player at times, but his maturity level has dug his own grave at other times. Frequent temper tantrums, whacky weed at the airport, and that thing in New York hasn't propelled Melo into the elite player category yet. Every summer going into the new year we get the annual "I've grown up" article in the local paper. Every year something happens which we ready ourselves for the next summer article.

That cold December night in New York...(December 16, 2006)
The NY brawl killed Melo's growth as a superstar. Melo has never been the same since. Before the brawl, as he was on pace to win a scoring title, and the Nuggets (roster-wise) were probably at their best in years. After the brawl, Melo's confidence and marketability went down and the Nuggets...well have taken a bad turn also. The 15 game suspension was pretty harsh. I've always thought that the NBA has disliked the Nuggets. The penalties handed out in the wake of that night proved it.

In my opinion, Isiah Thomas started the whole thing. With the Nuggets up big late, Isiah put out the "order" to take out a Nugget. The cameras caught the order. You could read his lips as he told one of his players what to do. So what happens next? JR Smith gets taken out by Mardy Collins. Collins tackles JR around the neck on a lay up attempt and shit hits the fan. The league hands out suspensions, and...the Nuggets gets the worst of them. Melo - 15 games, JR - 10 games (and he's the one that got taken out! The video shows him doing nothing afterwards), Nene - 1 game. Knicks suspensions: Nate Robinson - 10 games, Collins - 6 games, Jared Jeffries - 4 games, Jerome James - 1 game and Isiah...nothing. Yes, nothing for the catalyst.

Shortly afterwards, the Nuggets were forced to stir the pot. Three days later, the Nuggs trade for Iverson. They ship Andre, Joe Smith and 2 1st rounders for AI and Ivan McFarlin (who we cut 3 days later). We take on AI's huge salary ($19 million a year) and were forced to make more moves, trading Earl Boykins for Steve Blake (salary dump: $5 million for $2.75 million). Now salary cap wise, the Nuggs are screwed, and Melo has taken steps backwards in his development. Before the brawl, Melo lead the league in scoring and was starting to shine. Since then, he's taken a back seat to AI and just doesn't look right. Before Melo would drive and create foul shots on his quick moves, while now...he settles more and more for a long jump shot and doesn't get to the foul line. Melo has started to round out his game with his recent dedication in grabbing rebounds, but we're still searching for that "Golden Ticket" man.

Bench:
Nene - F/C ($8.8 million - injured)
I love Nene. He's the future. When he's not on the Krispy-Creme diet or injured. And when he comes back he's a good 20-30 pounds overweight. Even in the offseason. This is professional sports. There's like two months off between seasons any more with all the other activity and drawn out playoffs. How can you be out of shape in that time. You even played in the Olympic qualifying tournament in Vegas for Brazil this past season! I won't go low and poke into the whole one nut thing either.

But when Nene is motivated and plays hard, he's a beast. He's everything everybody sees in him. He can go blow to blow, body to body on all of the other league's big guys down low. (That's sounds a little perverted) He's the younger, more athletic K-Mart. At five million less a year. But still high priced for as many injuries he undergoes.

Chucky Atkins - PG ($3 million - injured)
Thank you Chucky for getting hurt. You've forced the Nuggs to play Willie. A lot. What am I saying? Chucky sucks. He's old and hurt.

JR Smith - SG ($2.1 million)
JR. Frustrating. If you never saw him play and showed up one night, you would think that this kid is Jesus. All the players love him. I mean LOVE HIM. He's out on the court pumpin' up the team and crowd givin' high-fives and cheering. Then when the game starts...he's nowhere to be found. I'll give you a hint...look for him on the bench. He's buried so far down in George Karl's doghouse you'd think he killed George's son. JR only plays if: the Nuggs need a "3" with less than 10 seconds, only six other guys are dressed for the game, or Karl is on suspension. When JR is on the court, you can count on him to:
1. Not play defense
2. Turn the ball over
3. Plant his ass behind the 3 point line and chuck up horrible 3-pt shots any time he gets the ball
4. Commit dumb fouls

Linus Kleiza - SF ($1.1 million)
Linus, the only promising young player we have. So much, that we won't trade him. Linus is the typical "white player" but with a touch of European. So what does that mean. He hustles, and can hit a 3 point shot. The only problem, Karl seems to play him a lot or not at all.

Eduardo Najera - PF ($4.95 million)
Trade bait. A hustle player who can play a little "D", grab some boards, and hit an occasional 3 point shot when left open. Should we trade him. From a spectator's view who goes to games...No. Eddie is responsible for so many hot, Latino, underage women (or of-age women) wearing skimpy clothes at the stadium cheering for their Mexican hero. That's grounds for keeping him in my book. From a financial standpoint...probably. But who says guys think with their "better" head?

Steven Hunter - C ($3.6 million) & Yakhouba Diawara - G/F ($687 K)
Don't know. They usually sit on the bench and only make an appearance when there's less than a minute left and someone's winning by 20-30 pts. Look at Hunter's salary...$3.6 million! Trade his ass. A perfect salary dump! Give you five bucks if you can tell me their jersey numbers with out looking at other sources.

George Karl - Coach
I'll be kind for now. But, he must go. I'm sorry, he's lost control of his team. He's also taken this team to the highest level that he can take them. He calls out his players through the media. And then the next night he's paranoid of the media. He's got bench players he doesn't use, so trade them for usable ones or use them. I hate dead weight on the bench. Use them or lose them. I prefer use them. The starters are gonna die based on minutes alone. They're gonna get burned out.

Starters Salary: $57.3 million
Bench Salary: $24.2 million (we only use two or three of them)
Total Team Salary = $81.5 million (estimated)

So why can't we trade for a decent player for the stretch run? Because we are too salary cap stricken. We have a lot of high priced players and without moving some of them...we're kind of stuck. So Taurean Green it is.

Now let's go back in time to a day when our franchise had a clean slate (Summer 2002). We had two first round picks 5th & 7th overall. We had just spent the past couple of years dumping salary to get in a position to rebuild the franchise. Thanks Kiki!

Here's the top 10 picks of 2002:
1. Yao Ming - Houston (we could have never traded for him)
2. Jay Williams - Chicago (I liked the kid, I thought we could have traded up for him...good thing we didn't...he likes his motorcycles)
3. Mike Dunleavy - Golden State (Never a fan)
4. Drew Gooden - Memphis (Never a fan...played for Kansas)
5. Nikoloz Tskitishvilli - Denver
6. Dajuan Wagner - Cleveland
7. Nene Hilario - NY (Traded along w/Marcus Camby, and Mark Jackson toDenver for McDyess, #25. Frank Williams)
8. Chris Wilcox - LA Clippers (worked out for...Seattle)
9. Amare Stoudemire - Phoenix
10. Caron Butler - Miami

Okay, the Dice trade...we fucked them. Plain and simple. New York got screwed. There were rumors of this leading up to the draft. I remember us being in that situation and virtually having the fifth and seventh pick. So what two players would I have picked? Caron Butler and Nene. Yes, I was a big Caron fan. I knew we needed a shooting guard. I also like a guy I call "Skelator" now, Tayshaun Prince. He fell to number 23, and at the time, I thought 5 or 7 was a little high. Amare at nine looks like a steal for Phoenix, they had some good scouting. I don't remember if I was that high on Amare at the time. But I do know I would have Nene and Caron. The 2002-2003 Nuggets were considered one of the worst teams of all time, but coach Buzz led them to a respectable record 17-65 (for their talent). There's no way that they should have won 8 games.

Tskitishvilli was obviously a bust. Over 3 years he played 143 games averaging...3.2 points per game and muscled down 1.9 rebounds per game.

Caron's rookie year: 78 games started, 15.4 points per game, 5.1 rebounds, and 2.7 assists

I was right.

So the Nuggs blow in 02-03' and move on into the off season. Melo lands in our lap and let the free agent signings begin! Top Free Agents looking at Denver:
Gilbert Arenas (GS) - wanting a 5 yr $50 million deal - Nope, didn't want to pay that much
Andre Miller (LAC) - Signed (front heavy contract)
Michael Olowokandi (LAC) - signed w/ T-wolves
Lamar Odom (LAC) - why are we pursuing so many Clippers?
Rafer Alston (Tor) - just signed Andre
Brad Miller (Indy) - we got screwed! Indy pulls sign and trade to Sacramento
Earl Boykins (GS) - signed
Jon Barry (Det) - signed
Voshon Leonard (Tor) - signed

I personally wanted Gilbert, Andre, and Brad Miller. Instead we got Andre and a few bench players. We wouldn't of had to sign Vo if we had drafted Caron. So the team could have consistent of:
PG: Andre Miller, Earl Boykins
SG: Gilbert Arenas, Caron Butler, Jon Barry
SF: Carmelo Anthony / Ryan Bowen
PF: Nene / Francisco Elson
C: Brad Miller/Marcus Camby

Instead it didn't. We make the playoffs and get bounced by Minnesota. One of our flaws, we need a shooting guard. Vo proves to be old and slow, and Sam "Alien-head" Cassell and Latrell "I can't feed my kids" Sprewell tear us up with wide open 3 point shots. Enter NBA Draft, our first pick of the draft is Jameer Nelson. Collegian Player of the Year. I was excited to find out he slipped down to 20. So what do we do? Trade him to Orlando for another 1st round pick.

Twenty days later...
We ship that #1 pick along with two other 1st rounders to New Jersey for K-Mart. The ship hits the ice berg, and water slowly leaks in...

hell yeah!

thanks to our friends at bleed cubbie blue!

Tommy G's Guide for Surviving a Zombie Attack

I know that I've been a little late answering to this topic, but that's because I'm trying to help secure your survival. Up coming posts will give helpful tips to surviving a zombie attack.

Chapter 1: The Assessment

1^st Step: Realize that you’re under attack by zombies. As simple as that sounds, it’s very important for survival. If you don’t know that you’re under attack, you simply won’t survive the day. Realizing the situation may make a difference in life or death. Here are a couple of easy tips for quickly evaluating a possible zombie attack and escaping from it.

1. Look for the warning signs.

2. Know the type of zombie you’re dealing with.

3. Know how to defend yourself.

4. Know your escape routes.

Looking for the warning signs:

There are a couple of ways that you can know if the world is coming to an end by a zombie attack. First of all, pay attention to the media before you go to bed. Chances are that the world isn’t going to come to an end overnight, unless the president bombs the world. It doesn’t mean that an attack can’t happen overnight while everyone sleeps, but statistics show that there is a higher probability of zombie attacks occurring during the late night. Usually a small incident will be the birth of the attack. A small incident can lead to a catastrophic event, think of it kind of like throwing a stone in the water…the ripple effect. The initial catalyst starts small, and then gets bigger and bigger as time passes and spreads out covering more area. Your job is not to be trapped in one of those ripple rings. Get out before it over comes you. If you are in the initial attack, then you’re screwed. Only God or luck can save you.

So how can dividing your attention to the media help? Easy. If you’re watching a late night news broadcast or reading a “Breaking Story” article on-line, then you can get a step ahead of the rest of the world. If there’s some story about an unknown infection or large accounts of hysteria and people killing each other in some other parts of the world, then that’s your first hint at an upcoming zombie attack. Any stories about mysterious toxic waste spills are another indicator that zombies may be coming. Or any other type of breaking news that reports large amounts of deaths in the world. This leads to hell overflowing and the dead roaming the Earth. No matter how distant or close the news story may be, take it as a warning sign. That’s why it’s important to get your fill of the news before you go snooze. You can already have an eight to ten hour head start on the rest of the world if you knew what was coming.

Secondly, be alert to recognize the situation. Okay, let’s say you go to bed and don’t check up on what’s going on in the rest of the world, so does this mean you’re already dead? No. Now you’ve put yourself behind the eight ball in preparation. So you wake up in the morning and find yourself peeking out the window and houses are on fire and packs of zombie humans are hunting living humans and the world is in chaos.

According to a September issue of Vanity Fair, in a public opinion poll, three out of four middle-aged married couples supporting one or more children are likely to continue on with their morning and have their cup of coffee. If you fall into that demographic category…screw the coffee or you will die. Unless you’re that one out of four, that person is still sleeping at the time. Okay now you know that zombies are attacking, what should you do next? Move on to Section 2: Know the Type of Zombie You’re Dealing With.

Let’s just say, you don’t know anything is happening and nothing is going on in your neighborhood, and you unknowingly come across your first zombie. What should you look and be prepared for?

Scenario #1: If someone with some type of bleeding wound is running at you with a crazed look in its eye, then that might be a red flag to a zombie attack.

Scenario #2: If there is a hot teenage girl (or guy for the ladies) bleeding uncontrollably from the body, make sure she’s not a zombie. I know your first urge is to run to her aid and give her the correct medical attention that you may or may not have knowledge of, but if you don’t correctly read the signs, it won’t make a difference. If she’s crying about how her clothes are blood-stained or text messaging some one over her pink Motorola Razor cell phone, then you are safe to show you heroics and save her. If she looks at you with a crazed “I want you like a teenage girl wants Justin Timberlake”, then take the necessary precautions to secure your safety. And if you’re not sure and have a gun, then just shoot her in the head.

Scenario #3: If any one comes toward you…just run away! RUN MOTHER FUCKER RUN! Leave now, and ask questions later. It’s better to be safe than sorry. If you're not sure, and have a gun, just shoot them in the head.

...To Be Continued...

Stay tuned for more insightful surviving tips from Tommy G in Section 2: Know the type of zombie you’re dealing with. He'll bring you the physical signs and types of zombies that you may encounter. Just remember to stay alive that long!

YES WE CAN

Smell the grass

So I get an email from one of my guys in Cleveland. The equipment truck is on the way to Phoenix.

Hell Yeah

“People ask me what I do in the winter when there's no baseball. I'll tell you what I do. I stare out the window and wait for spring.” -- Rogers Hornsby

Fuck Football

(and the knobber too)

Hulk: The LIst

So Simmons finally had a great link, buried in the latest post.

Reasons the Hulk gets mad, and becomes the Hulk

http://kennethjohnson.us/HulkOutList.html

some highlights

88. Hit in the face with a high powered beebee gun, which causes him to fall
over the balcony and plunge 40 feet into the seats below

76. Falling in a pitfall set by the crazed man who is hunting David on his private
island, and then being stung by the scorpion when trying to climb out

69. Making some Hell's Angels very angry with him

50. Receiving a speeding ticket

51. Having Thor the Thunder God push him around

29. Having two mean football players snap wet towels at him and shove him into
the steam room which they have turned on to full blast

24. Being tied up and fed soup by an elderly Japanese woman who doesn't
understand words like "You've GOT to cut me loose!"

Hulk Angry.

Zombie Attack

The Fuzz, Bookie, and Shark and I were discussing what it would take to survive a zombie attack. It was agreed that Fuzz would bring the heat, and I would supply some garden skills and possibly martial arts training to the survivors, although I don't know how much good that would do since you have to take their heads off (the zombies, not the survivors, but thanks for asking). Anyway... So the first part is to find a secure location. I wanted to stay in my nice cold secluded concrete basement, but The Fuzz recommended we would all go to a nearby home improvement store and use the supplies to board it up. Great idea, but we would have to figure out what to do for food, water, and how to handle our arrival there if the place were already totally looted or zombie infested. Also, on his way over, Fuzz would want to rescue a few lovely damsels in distress. He said he'd give the less-pleasant ones to Bookie. Everyone else would have to fend for themselves in that arena. For water, we'd probably use the roof's drainage system as a sort of mini aquaduct. Not sure yet what we'd use to store the water or how to purify it, but those are details to be worked out later. Speaking of work, I'd better get back to it. But hopefully, more on the zombies later.
-'Cap

Panic attack

"This was a lot better than last year when everyone just kind of gave up and no one wanted to play anymore."

Not a good sign for the Big 10 (11).

http://www.daytondailynews.com/s/content/oh/story/sports/college/osu/2008/01/08/ddn010908arch.html

ha ha

Stat of the Week No. 8: After leading San Francisco to a loss Sunday, quarterback Chris Weinke is 2-18 as a starter.