Scenario #4: The person looks like Lyle Lovett. SHOOT THEM! I can't tell the difference, can you? It's better to be safe than sorry on this occasion.
Scenario #5: You see some dead person crawling out of the grave. DON’T waste time! They’re a ZOMBIE! Put them down!
Scenario #6: If the person looks like NBA star Sam Cassell...they're just an alien. Report them to the authorities anonymously otherwise, the feds will wipe your memory. The truth is out there.
Know the type of zombie you’re dealing with:
Is it a zombie or is it an old person? The initial glance may be tough to tell right off the bat. There are some characteristics that could help you decipher whether or not the person is a zombie or not.
- Injuries. Obviously if there is a lot of visible bleeding and flesh removed from the body there is a great chance that the person is a zombie. If in doubt then run. The Good Samaritan law will cover your ass if you’re wrong. Also if they look like Lyle Lovett, then feel free to shoot them in the head!
Food. Human: it’s what’s for dinner. First question...do they want to eat you? Or better yet, are they eating some one else? If you answered “yes” to either of those questions, then the person is probably a zombie. The average citizen doesn’t crave your body flesh for their diet, unless that person is a cannibal. An average person loves muchin' down on a sweet juicy Wendy's Baconator. If you know someone who is a vegan or vegetarian, and they’re munching down on someone’s flesh, my betting instinct says that they are a zombie.- Loss of every day motor or reasoning skills. Unless they’re blonde, old, or riding the short bus to school, non-zombie people should be able to operate with a basic reasoning function. This means driving cars, properly opening doors, shooting guns, or knitting a sweater, non infected persons can do they things easily. Zombies cannot.
4. Last known location. Location, location, location. Where did you last see this person? Was this person already deceased? Or were they in a situation that they weren’t going to survive? These are good clues of whether or not they might be walking the Earth unjustifiably. If they were already dead and you didn’t witness them crawling out of the grave, then it’s a safe bet that the person might be a zombie. If they were cornered by a bunch of zombies the last time you saw them alive, well I doubt they made it out alive. Go ahead and shoot them in the head.
5. Speech. This one’s a little fuzzy. There is evidence of speech skills amongst the dead. Rule of thumb: if someone’s constantly moaning for “brains”, feel free to chalk that one up in the “Zombie column”. Especially if the person looks like this.
6. Speed. Know the speed of the Zombie, fast or slow. If it’s a fast moving zombie, you don’t have much time to analyze the situation. The zombie will be on you like white on rice. Personally, I think they are the more scarier and dangerous of the two categories of zombies. They move fast, not good if you’re a slow person; and they kind of have an animal or predator instinct to them. Hopefully your survival instincts will kick in before they get to you. Be careful not to let them bite you, otherwise, you’re done. Slow moving zombies are easier to evade. Sure they maybe stealth in movement and sneak up on you, but you should be able to out-run, and out-think the slow moving zombie. Slow moving zombies would be more fun and easier to kill, as they are just slow moving targets to pick off.
7. Origin of infection. What caused them to become zombies? This can be important to
understanding the zombie. You also may not know the answer, but that’s all right. Was it because of a government spilled toxic waste substance, a virus, or did they just simply come out of the ground because hell had no more room to fit the dead? Could there be a cure to the infestation? It probably doesn’t matter, because you are just a low life, every day person with no real connections to solving the problem. So just deal with it and survive.Examples of Zombies:
Not Zombies:
Not Sure:
To Be Continued....
Stay tuned for more survival information in Part 3: Know How To Defend Yourself.
1 comment:
Bob Dole says, "Bob Dole is not a zombie." Do zombies ever eat any non-human brains? Maybe we can distract them with cows brains... I would think they don't have the reasoning ability to distinguish between that and the real thing unless they have an advanced sense of smell. Hmm, maybe they have to smell fear, and we all know cows have no fear. 'Cap.
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